You and (not) Your Ego

In our personal lives and at work, many of us feel sometime that we have been our own worst enemies. When this happens, we can be sure that this shadow beside us that makes us do these things we regret later is none other than our own ego. It constantly gets in our way, putting up obstacles, manipulating our emotions. But how do we control it? After all, it resides within us and has been there for a very long time…

Abraham Maslow’s work and other research indicates that out of all the possible effects that the ego has on our behavior, the following three are the most common and dominant in ALL of us, to varying degrees:

We believe we are who we are because of our possessions – we learned this when we were very young, when we envied the next-door kid because he had a more expensive toy – and at work where we dreamed about getting the BMW

We believe we are who we are because of what we do – we develop our whole identity around our job, our profession, our work and careers. When the job goes, that creates a loss of self-esteem

We believe we are what others think about us – we worry all the time about the opinions of others. This is the reason why we fret about doing that presentation, or become someone else to please a particular person.

It was Lau Tze who said, “The truly wise are content to be last.  They are, therefore, first.  They are indifferent to themselves.”

But how can we become indifferent to ourselves? What makes us re-examine who we really are and how we need to behave differently with others? What does it take? Well, sometimes it is caused by an accident of circumstance, a personal tragedy, the loss of a relationship or possessions, or perhaps failure and humiliation. It is said that people become more mature on the far side of such events. This provides some clues about the kinds of things we might need to practice to manage the ego (it would be arrogant to “suggest remedial strategies” as that implies a mastery that few have) in a safer, “training simulation” of sorts that need not expose us to real loss and failure.

Be Quiet and Reflective

Big egos always want to talk too much. Talking less and spending more time on listening and reflection helps to suppress the ego. It also helps in conflict management and in negotiation by reducing emotional tension

Get out of your Comfort Zone

You are the gurus of your domains, your comfort zones. Get out of your comfort zone far enough to experience some anxiety, maybe some fear, some loss of identity. This could be presenting to a larger group of people than you’ve been used to. If you really want to live dangerously, you might even confess to your colleagues that you’ve been a jerk all of last week.

Become Different for a While

Go do something different from your usual routine. Perhaps this is giving colleagues and family more compliments than usual, or bragging less about how committed you are to your divisional head. Remember, you are not your ego, and it will take a lot of trial and error to find out who you are exactly. As Lao Tze put it so well:

Can you see that you’re not like
Your image or reflection?
Just see you are totality
By looking in your own direction